I, Matter.
The Universe Smiled.


Lost, I stood in the middle of the road, somewhere. Looked up at the stars and admired their shimmering beauty as they spun around my head. I had the spins. A perpetual state of dizziness. My policy is that if I don’t get ‘em, I’m not drunk enough.

…..

So there I stood. Trees and stars twirling around my head playing a childish game of Ring Around the Rosie. They danced and swirled as if they knew something I didn’t..


I wasn’t quite sure why, but the Universe looked back at me and smiled.. Unlike the calm, sturdy sky above me, I was a vunerable, wimpering mess. My tears could flood the desert.. And as if the weight of my tears dragged me to the ground, I laid in the road and had no will, nor ability, to get back up.

So I laid there as everything rotated around me. I took a deep breath and watched as the stars spun. Listened to the silence of the forest as the stars spun.. Smelled the dirt and oncoming rain as the stars spun..

I closed my eyes, but the stars still spun..


With or without me, the world would continue to spin.
….
….
….

…And everything spun…


It wasn’t but an hour or so ago, that I let my emotions run away with my sanity.
I was hoping the drink in my hand would ease my mind or body enough that I could lie face-down in the creek.

I was determined to find out if it had. I began walking. It didn’t what clothes I wore, or how I looked.. all that mattered was me, and the destination ahead.

No ones here. No ones stopping me. No one to stay for.


The creek the the left.. life to the right..
Staring at the Y shaped road ahead.
Keep on living in pain, or end up dead?
Suicide is calling. And the road looks short.

Left it is.

Alright. Get set. Here I go..

……

Stumbling from the effects of my drink, or my bodys subconscious fight for survival.. I hesitated.  For a split second I hesitated..

Confused, I convinced myself to sit and ponder for a moment. To say goodbye, pray, and remember..

That’s when I laid lost, in the middle of the road, somewhere. Looked up at the stars and admired their shimmering beauty as they spun around my head.. Trees and stars twirled around my head playing a childish game of Ring Around the Rosie. They danced and swirled as if they knew something I didn’t..


I wasn’t quite sure why, but the Universe looked back at me and smiled.

I don’t know what came over me as I stared back into the eyes of the mysterious spinning sky.. But its calm reassurance that all would be alright if I could just wait, convinced me that Tonight just wasn’t the night..

I wanted to be able to smile back.

…..

+.Rei.Stricted.+

Relief at the Bottom of the Bottle.


I’ll drink till I forget I like you.

The irony is that it seems that every time I start drinking I think of you- how I’ll never have you.. it angers me. So I’ll drink till the thoughts stop.


-The room spins.-

"You’re the closest to alcohol poisoning," he says. Good. That thought is strangely comforting. I’m determined to do whatever it takes to forget. It’s no big deal to me, but he says it is to him..

So I’ll drink till I puke so I don’t think about how I’ll never be good enough for you. I’ll drink it till I blackout so I can stop thinking about how it’s pointless for me to want you..

…….


I’m gonna escape these thoughts if it kills me.. 

 I’ll gulp down the misery and convince myself that tomorrows pain will be well-worth tonights relief.

Yet as I continue to drink, you’re still on my mind…


And it’s you in my mind, that I pretend you’re mine. No one can take that away from me..

But I grow paranoid…

…….

Are my thoughts and desires becoming visible actions? 
Can they tell what I’m thinking?
What would I do if they figure it out?

…….


No one can know. I can’t let that happen.


…I’ll take another shot to calm my nerves…

I want you.
But you’ll never be mine.
It’s so comical. You will never be mineSo I’ll drink till I forget.

…..

Just one more drink until I forget.



+.Rei.Stricted.+

Look at Yourself.


You did things you knew were wrong.
You regret what you’ve done and had nearly gone mad.
You were told to stop thinking about it and forget.

  You listened.

You stopped thinking and therefore you stopped caring.
You don’t care and so you’ve become what you fear..
You became what you fear and you’re too scared to look in the mirror.

  You coward.

Just look at yourself! Look at what you’ve become! A shell of yourself. Hallow; Leaving only the worst of you. Full of bitterness, sadness, jealousy, and anger..

Your mind remembers who you once were.
Your mind knew who you wanted to be.
Your mind once dreamed of a pure and simple love. 

  You forgot. 
 
Who are you? ..You’re not the one I once knew.. Where have you gone? ..I can’t find you.. Are you coming back? …I need you.

Your heart screams, but you ignore it’s cries.
Your heart aches, but you refuse to acknowledge the pain.
Your heart beats quietly and forgets how to feel joy.

  You hate.

You’ve treated your heart as if it never existed and now you’re left with nothing but scars and anger.

Look at yourself and tell me.

…..

Was it worth it?

…..

~~A letter to my mirror.~~

+.Rei.Stricted.+

I am the Other Woman.

I have always been, and I will likely always be.

Do not pity me. Do not apologize. Do not change how you treat me.

I dont need your sympathy. The only thing I need you to do, is understand what this has done to me….

……

“Sorry mom, no grandkids for you!” My Mother blatantly responded, “But why not? There are plenty of guys who like you. Why don’t you have a boyfriend? Aren’t you interested in anyone?” I paused for a moment to rack my brain for a plausible reason. -No results found.- The best I could come up with was, “I just hadn’t found anyone yet.” Mom had no choice but to retreat.. 

I suppose my answer is mostly true, but after careful reevaluation of my love life I have come to realize that after having a conversation with a friend, and discussing every guy I’ve dated or sought after, each and every one of these males have used me as a side dish.* (**This excludes one person, who knows this comment is directed at him because I have thanked him)

I have been lied to about their relationship status all my life. Whether they have supposedly “forgotten to tell me” / intentionally kept their relationship a secret to lead me on and tried to ‘get in my pants,’ or I was aware he was in a relationship but knowing I liked him, would show interest in me just to tease me -with no intent to actually be with me-..

In fact, in both of those scenarios (and several other instances not stated here), no guy has ever had any intent to go out with me…

If you have lied and lead me on this this, please just remember that you’re slowly killing me. Please know my self-esteem and sense of worth are being flushed down the drain. And please, break my fragile heart and see if karma will be as kind to you as you have been to me..

…….

Maybe I’m looking at this all wrong..

Who wants to be tied down to one person? Fuck this. You know? I don’t care if one is in a relationship or not! If I want ‘em and they’re willing to have a piece of me while having you too, so be it. If you women have a problem with this, deal with it. It’s not my fault you can’t control your man.. Com’on, really? Who needs to actually have a special person to call their own?


…….

Wouldn’t that be a terrible way for me think?

…..

What if I actually am starting to believe this?


I wish people undertsood how much it hurts. How much it destroys me to feel that I’m never good enough to be with someone, and have that person have ME be the only person they’re with.. I’m always just second best. The backup plan to your backup plan. There’s always some girl who isn’t as much of a challenge to woo. There will always be someone that is prettier or smarter than I am.

Yet when you have that person, you still try to get in my pants.  Well sorry I actually CARE about reserving my virginity for someone who’s worth giving it to.

And heads up: It won’t be lost to a guy who lies to me about ‘not having a gf’ or one who doesn’t think I’m wonderful enough to be the only one they have their eyes set on..

Now here’s the flip side… :/


It has been brought to my attention (countless times) that I have a tendency to lead guys on. I am terribly sorry if you feel that you have fell victim to this. I have no intention to lead you on, it is likely that I enjoy your company but I don’t know how to discourage your liking to me. I tend to be too polite because I don’t like to hurt anyones feelings. It could be that I may enjoy your company a lot, but my real quest may just be to touch your hair! Teehee! Yay hair fetish! :D

 If you are my friend, but I ”flirt” with you, it is in the most innocent of intents. I want you to know that I wish people could see the beauty in you that I see. I can’t and won’t be the only person who will ever see the wonderful things about you. Sometimes, you ought to be reminded how amazing you are.. I’m sorry if your took my compliments for flirting.

  Please be mindful that I can be a very blunt person, and if I like you, you will know without a possible doubt. ^_^

Now sometimes… I think you guys need to chill the hell out! We’re all adults here. We’ve all talked to the opposite sex by now, and shown some kind of affection to somebody.. I believe we can show affection without an intent to date them. Sometimes affection is just that: Affection. NOT a green light saying, “I am flirting with you, therefore, I LOVE YOU. LET’S MAKE-OUT.”

I am a touchy person.. You have three options: You guys can either enjoy it but think nothing of it, talk and ask me about what my intentions are, or Shut the Hell Up! :D (I mean this in the most pleasant of ways)

If, by the off-chance I have lead you on, I am truly sorry, and you can personally thank my actions to the people that I have met before you..


No one deserves to feel unwanted, unloved, inferior, replacable.. and I’m so tired of feeling this way.. I am so tired of being the ‘other woman.’ I am the one who gets the guilt and the scorn. I am the one who gets hurt.


I can’t bear to feel replacable. I’ve been treated this way so long I have it engrained in my head that I am replacable. E pluribus unum. An endless cycle of women that will be better than me in your eyes.. I find it a waste of time to date or bother forming a deep bond with anyone because it’s pointless. You won’t like only me. When you give up on trying to pursue me because you can get what you want from me, just get it from someone else. THANKYOUVERYMUCH..

…….

Please consider yourself absolutely beautiful and irreplaceable if I have ever liked you, friend or otherwise… A little piece of my heart goes out to you always, and I hope you treasure it..

 If you got a piece of my heart by [my] mistake, keep it.

….

It’s the best you’ll ever get.

Song playing: “Don’t cha” by The Pussycat Dolls.

"Dont cha wish your gf was hott like me? Don’t cha wish your gf was a Freak, like me? Dont chaaa? ” ;D 


+.Rei.Stricted.+

It’s all karma, I’m told..

This pain. I deserve this.

I gave this pain away, and the universe is giving it right back. I may deserve this pain, but I’m fragile. Had I not considered that the world may be as fragile as I am?

Though I am on the verge of breaking, you challenge my ability to crumble.. Do I want to prove to you I can?

Your sympathy is genuine, but it’s as if the only reason you want to give me to stay is just to show me what I can’t have. You give me hope, then yank it away. Give me joy, then replace it with pain. Make me feel secure, then scare me to death. Tease me, then threaten me..

..What are you trying to accomplish? What do you want me to do? ..I can’t run from myself. I’ve tried, failed, felt betrayed and hurt myself instead. The physical pain doesn’t affect me at all… but you do.

The cuts will heal or scar; it makes no difference to me. I’m no longer ashamed or embarrassed.. I dont feel the need to hide it. However, I can’t cover up the mental wounds. They refuse to heal.. they just get worse and you know they’re hurting me. You tell me you want to help.. But I know I’m just gonna end up worse, and you will be part of the cause..

…………

 I’m so lost in my thoughts. When I’m awake, everythings a haze.. I can’t sleep; I struggle to wake up..

……….

 ..Today I drove mindlessly for hours and couldn’t remember a damn thing. The only thing I can vaguely recall is frantically scribbling my thoughts in my journal while driving. I nearly drove off the road, but was more concerned about have run out of paper..

My mind had been racing non-stop and somehow I ended up at my front door w/o the key…. 

I just sat on the welcome mat, cried a while, stared at my bloody stomach and thought, "I deserve this."

…….

+.Rei.Stricted.+

Song of my mood: —Jewel— You Were Meant For Me. “I go about my business, I’m doin’ fine. Besides what would I say, if I had you on the line? Same old story, not much to say.. Hearts are broken everyday..”

You think & what I think

I’m trying to give you a reason to hate me, as I hate myself. 

You think I can do great things. You think that I am an amazing young woman.  You think that any guy would be lucky to have me. You think that I should be happy with life. But you’re wrong. I cant. I’m not. 

If you think I’m so irreplaceable, why are you with someone else? You try to convince me to stay. Remind me that I’m you’re best friend. Show me pictures of places you’d like for us to go. Tell me about how God has plans and a purpose for me. You talk about how we must just enjoy life and make what you can out of it… But what’s the point? 

You wonder why I hurt myself over and over again. I can tell you why, but I don’t think you’d like my answer… I suppose I enjoy tearing up my body and watching myself bleed. My health is the only thing I can control.. Sometimes I like the pain. Sometimes I feel like pain is the only thing I can feel. 

…….

 You beg me to stop hurting myself. Say I’m making things worse and that you’re worried to death about me. You cry as I tell you that I can’t.. I tell you that I’m fine and there’s no need to worry about me. You don’t believe me. I don’t blame you. Hell, I don’t believe me…

I wish I could promise you that I’ll quit harming myself but I hate myself so much. I don’t want to be me. And sometimes I need to forget that I’m me. Sometimes I just live in the now with the room spinning.  Sometimes I want to abuse my body and escape.. But these "sometimes" are becoming "all the times." 

……

I’m so sorry I cant live up to your expectations. I wish I could. You’re my best friend.  I’m sick of all these doctors. Sick of trying to find a reason to live. Sick of all this pretending- I’m not happy! I don’t even know how to be happy anymore, and I’ve had enough..

 I don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe I still have an ounce of hope. I don’t know why. I don’t feel hopeful, but why else am I still here? ….I ask myself this everyday I’m still alive and yet I never have a reason… The moment I think I do, I- I ponder and ultimately conclude that I don’t know why I even bother! 

To me, the most important thing in the world is love. Call me a hopeless romantic… but all the fame fortune travels sex is nothing to me without love.. Majority of the time I don’t believe it exists. Atleast not for me.

If I was to ever completely lose sight of any possibility for it -if I had completely lost all hope- I wasn’t going to allow myself to keep on living in such a cruel and loveless world.

 …For me, that night came at the beginning of this year…

(In another blog post I’ll further explain what happened.. But the readers digest version is that I sought professional help.)

….. I suppose I convinced myself that if I had survived this long in misery, perhaps it wasn’t my fault- perhaps my brain is faulty. I found it hard to believe that I have been willingly choosing to feel terrible for the last 10 years. I needed to have some kind of assurance that there may be at least one thing in this godforsaken world to look forward to….

…… (skipping stuff.)

……

So now with some meds and therapy, I have come to find that I now have the ability to be happy.. But most importantly, cope with the unhappiness. Whether the talk therapy or meds, something must be working because- guess what? I have a crush on someone! I’m just as surprised as you… I didn’t even know I could anymore! But it’s true. I do.

It’s a shame he likely doesn’t seem to return my affections, but as long as I’m around him I’ll be fine. I’ve noticed that I have put up with shit during the day, that would usually bring me to tears and thoughts of hasty solutions, because I knew I’d see him later that night..

 Wasn’t it I, who once preached that only someone pathetic would need someone else to find validation for living? Heh. I can’t deny I’m weak. But this unfamiliar reaction-a smile that comes with seeing a person that can make you forget that life sucks, is undeniably incredible! A true smile. It’s a comfortable thing to wear.

……

  I know that my heart is fragile and my mind is a joke, so why am I so eager to give all that I am to this person?

 ..I terrified this will not end well..

But maybe I just need a little courage to keep going to find out if I will be pleasantly surprised. All I need to remember is that "I, matter." and if he eventually thinks that 'I matter' too

 well, that would be swell. 

+.Rei.Stricted.+

So my blog isn’t naked..

-Inserts some words to cover the nakedness..-